I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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