Whatcha textin bout Willis?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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