The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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