I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
