thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
