I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
