Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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