and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
