At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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