We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
