I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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