there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
