Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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