if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
