Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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