Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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