I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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