My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
