If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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