Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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