Got a toothbrush?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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