i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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