dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
