did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
