dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
