If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
