Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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