She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
