ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You need Xanax blowdarts
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
