I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
