i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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