I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just tell him i said nine months
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
