he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
