:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
