plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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