I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
