and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
