From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
