Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
