I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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