For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
