I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
