why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
