Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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