Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you didnt know i had herpes?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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