i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We need a shit load of segways right now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
