I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
