i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
