A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
