she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
