I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
